The Needs of the Many

It is a generally accepted, utilitarian ideal: the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few. Or, in my case, the one. And so it's been that, when given an opportunity, I go above and beyond to try and meet the needs of others around me, often w/o regard for myself. This isn't some play for sympathy or a dose of Jewish Guilt. I do not profess to consider others above myself, nor is addressing someone's needs my only calling in life. Rather, I just felt like sharing this. (That's what a blog's for, right?).

Somewhere along the line in college, I decided I wanted to be a "good listener". This stemmed out of a desire to acquire all those nice, Christian qualities that all the good kids have. If I could do one thing right, I wanted to be able to listen. Or, more generically, to see what someone needed and allow them the space and grace to get it. A lot of the time, I see people with an overabundant need to talk. About their life, their stress, their problems - you'd surprise yourself if you stopped to notice how much people need to just talk. By "talk", I don't really mean an equally-two-way conversation. At least, not in this context. There are times when people just need another, friendly human being to bounce their thoughts off of.

With my knowledge came the realization that I wasn't half-bad at shutting up. I really, sincerely enjoy being available for other people. It's something I can do to serve my friends and V. So I learned to listen. To see someone in the middle of verbally processing through "something" and to get out of the way. To be quite.

To be still.

But while working on that, there came a cost. An imperfection to my strategy, if you will. In learning to address the needs of others, I developed feelings of guilt for speaking up. For voicing my opinion. For asserting that, for once, I needed to talk. Not rant, argue, or yell. Just...talk. But b/c I's trying to be so attentive to the people around me, it seemed wrong to inject myself into the equation like that.

When I'm hanging out w/ friends, if I talk too much or otherwise dominate our current social interaction, I feel guilty. Like Vince, I feel a nearly insurmountable desire to apologize for hogging..."it". For implying that I somehow deserved to take up people's time so selfishly.

I s'pose it's like what a lot of people feel about telling other people about their problems. It's easier to let somebody else confide in you than vice-versa. You're less vulnerable that way. Less needy. Less of a burden. And above all else, nobody wants to be a burden. And justifiably so. In general, we don't want to be the kind of person who drags others down. (At least, I don't).

Sometimes, I need to talk. A lot. To just say stuff. Anything, really. But those urges - needs - come at the most inopportune and inconvenient times: when it's most difficult to speak up, or when I'm in the middle of listening to somebody else go through the same thing. I feel bad for wanting to be served; for thinking that I "deserve" thought and consideration from those around me. What's it matter? Shouldn't I just fine w/o it, in spite of the fact that I willingly render such services on a daily basis?

What's really frustrating is when I don't know what I want to say. When there's this great desire to speak, but the words won't come. It's the most frustrating illustration of my lack of adequate communication skills.

I guess it comes down to the age old problem I have w/ letting others into the stuff in my life. I don't want to be someone else's problem, especially because I'm so much better at taking on everyone else's. They've got enough to deal with, right? But after a while, it wears me down. And I've no one willing to share the load. No one who'll volunteer, anyway. Sure, there're people who'll listen. But no one who'll do it of their on volition: I'm the proactive one in these interactions. That, in and of itself, is its own weight on my shoulders.