Losing Innocence

I've been on this music binge listening to songs by Lindsey Stirling while I've been at work. There're maybe a dozen songs she's written/composed, all of which feature strong violin solo's accompanied by hip-hop or techno-like beats. It's the perfect blend of electronic and classical instrumentation. Not only that, she's got music videos to go along w/ her music (such as On The Floor and Crystallize). The girl's, what - only 25 or 26? She's winnin' awards and doing live performances for people! (Yes, if you hadn't noticed, I'm plugging her music. I don't shamelessly advertise for other people all the time, so you've gotta' know it's good). Check it out.

Watching her videos, listening to her music, and reading the short bio on her webpage, I got to thinking of what it was like for me to grow up. Lindsey came from a not-so-easy life but pursued music and dance b/c she was passionate about and enjoyed it so thoroughly. Now? She gets to enjoy the fruits of her childhood perseverance for years to come. I didn't really have that kind of drive. What I did revolved around mountain biking, video games, working out, or something else not so nearly as cool or exciting as playing violin to nifty dance moves. But I was never driven to be excellent in anything. Mom got on me for a few years in high school to pick up some instrument, so I gave the good ol' guitar a try. I'd practice good and hard for maybe 6 months, realize I was starting to get "good", then slack off and give it a break for a few months. This cycle repeated a couple times until my dad died. I laid the guitar down for good then - not so much out of grief as I just didn't have the time or energy. It's still lying in my room and could probably use w/ some new strings.

That's just one example. There are more.

Childhood's a very awesome, important part of your life. I, being of the ripe age of 22 and of a particularly contemplative disposition right now, see that now. Of all the times in life you can devote yourself to becoming good at something, when will you ever have as much free time and energy as when you're a kid (kid = { age | age < ~21})? You're growing a ton during that time, so the foundations you lay when you're "young" will be with you for the rest of your life.

I guess I just don't see much worthwhile foundation support me now that I've the time to think back to how I grew up and where I'm going. There isn't much I'm particularly good at: I dabbled in all sorts of stuff back in High School but never really settled. There is no one "thing" I can say I'm the best at. Of course, that'd never be true, but you get my point. I'm not really good at anything. Just mediocre. Some might argue that I'm more well rounded, and thus don't have the same kind of depth of understanding that someone of more limited experience might have. But I don't think that's fair. Lots of people will tell you, including me; I'm not very "cultured". I reject all sorts of popular culture. I dislike politics. I refuse to indulge in senseless memorization of sports-related facts/figures/people/stats. That all amounts to a very "boring" me. Sure, I could argue you into the ground about zombies; I love DnD; playing video games isn't just a pastime, but a fun and imaginative role playing experience. Even then: I'm not the best. I'm not even good.

Even my own job - software engineering / programming - I know I'm not the best. I think of myself not as the best programmer, but just a good one. I know I can't measure up to the brilliance that floats around me on a daily basis, nor could I do so in college. All over, there are people better and brighter than me in whatever I'm doing. People who've devoted themselves to something; who've spent the time and paid their dues early on; who can enjoy the benefits of their hard work. And they're my age (or thereabouts). They've had the same amount of time as I've.

I still have things I want to do, but I feel like it's be exponentially harder to do on this end of life (post college). And w/ every day, I know it won't get any easier.

I always wanted to be fluent in Spanish. Not I-can-find-the-bathroom fluent, but truly, really fluent. I used to be good - as good as I ever got at guitar - and even had an above-average accent when I was warmed up. I'd taken it for 4 years when I graduated high school (5, if you count that I repeated Spanish 1). But then, as always, life got busy. I never got that minor I'd always wanted.

And of course, that's just one thing. There're more, as I'm sure there are for you. We all have things we want to do, and that's perfectly alright. I just don't feel like there's anything I'm carrying w/ me today that's really worthwhile.