This post was written several days before the weddings (Sunday prior, I believe). I wished to post it after the wedding so as to not spoil the wedding itself. Enjoy.
I was on the phone the other night w/ V. With the wedding only 6 days away, it was primarily wedding events that were on our mind. We're both very excited for them and, barring any sudden revelations that would dissuade us, the wedding is gonna' happen. But despite the proximity of our knot-day, neither of us fully has our wedding vows fleshed out. Sure, we've both got a real vague of what to say. But on the whole - at least for me - the real details need a lot more attention.
It feels like it did back when I set out to scour the internet for the perfect engagement ring for V. Whenever I set out to start, I faced an insurmountable level of apathy towards completing the task. So it is with my wedding vows. Of course, it isn't that I'm afraid of promising things to V on our wedding day - I doubt any argument questioning my commitment would hold much water. Nevertheless, the last few days have been plagued with the apathetic pattern of trying and failing to muster the words for my wedding vows.
The traditional wedding vows are more of a formality w/ no real meaning, which is why we decided to go with our own, personal promises. But, what would I promise that I haven't already said or demonstrated in the 4.75 years of our non-marital relationship?
But then I got to thinking: I don't always tell people things b/c they don't know them. Sometimes - esp. in my relationship with V - I say things b/c I know they should be said; someone needs to hear them. And perhaps it is thusly with wedding vows. As a public declaration of our love and commitment, a little repetition and thoroughness could be appropriate to affirm our relationship before the dozens of people in attendance.
So, I wonder, what is it that I know V needs and wants to hear? What promises do my vows need to express my sentiments.
Of my many qualities and skills, none has ever been so strong as my ability to screw up and make an ass of myself. My opinionated nature makes it hard for me to slow down and see what V needs, sometimes. So, I suppose my first promise to V would be short and simple:
To learn.
To learn more about her, b/c it would be foolish to assume that I will ever fully understand all that she is. Learn her needs. Learn what makes her tick. What bothers her. What she enjoys. Learn how I can best acquit myself to serve her.
To learn to change myself. Not b/c I cannot be myself around her, but b/c I know that the person I am now cannot cope with the requirements the future holds for us/me. I will need to grow, change, and become a more Godly man if I am to love and support V in the way a biblical husband is called. Change is difficult for me, b/c we all know I'm always right. What makes it harder is that V's always right too. And while I can't give on moral or ethical points, there's not a whole lot else I can dogmatically defend w/o a guilty conscience. And so, rather than always arguing or always agreeing, I promise to learn to talk. Discuss. To have rational conversations when they need to be had, not when I want them to happen. To always work to build her up, rather than tear her down.
To learn to be not what I want, but what she needs.
This would, I suppose, lead to another important point. I promise to [try to] live up to the standard set forth in the Bible for Christian husbands.
...love with your wives in an understanding way, I Peter 3:11 says, as with someone weaker, since she is a woman.
Before the femitheist comes to do horrible things to me, a moment: while it is the general rule that woman are less physically robust than men, I don't think this verse is talking strictly about musculature. In being with V all these years, there have been many times where my assumptions about what was "just fine" turned out to be wrong. V is fundamentally different from me and, while that sounds obvious, the nuances of its implications are far less so. I can't make the insensitive assertions, assumptions, and decisions I'm used to making on my own. She sees things in a complete different light and, if I'm not sensitive to that, I'm liable to hurt her and damage our relationship.
Paul writes in Colossians 4:18 ...love your wives and do not be embittered against them.
With the previous verse, this becomes more important. Maybe it's b/c I'm a software engineer, like to argue, or a combination of other, related qualities: thinking someone's wrong can set me against them if I'm not careful. It can happen for stupid reasons - not washing dishes, not cleaning a room, consistently forgetting simple responsibilities. And every time, those feelings are quelled when I hear the other side of the story.
Bitterness is like rot: it takes a lot time to show any real signs, but its progress is inexorable and ingrained. Like a little yeast in bread, it doesn't take much resentment to poison friendship. And I don't want to be in a toxic relationship.
I promise to lead. In whatever way that means. I promise to wear the pants. To take responsibility. To bear the burden and honor of leading our family, whatever size it may be. Like any good leader, I promise to look for advise. To defer to and honor V's judgement when she is more informed than I. I promise to define leadership to be more than having final say to pretend that I'm "right".
I promise to be a man of honor. To reflect my respect for her in my decisions every day; to protect V's integrity by being a man of integrity myself. By never compromising. By never taking her devotion and respect for granted when she's not around.
I promise to never leave. Divorce, estrangement, separate houses, etc - they're not an option.
V and I have weathered quite a few tumultuous times through the years. Sometimes, I think the only reason we stayed together is b/c we were committed. Nothing but that sheer, disembodied goal kept me together sometimes. And sometimes, that dogmatic devotion to each other taught me how to love V even when I had no inclination, present or future, to do so. Maybe that doesn't make sense, and I'm sorry I can't explain it any other way. But I'm getting married to this woman: there is on way on God's green earth I will ever go back on the word I give on that day, August 11, 2012.
And so it will be on that day, 5 days from now, that some of you will hear the condensed, equally poignant version of this post cross my lips and become etched into the ineffable journal of the Past. However, some of you may not be there. Some of you may forget. Some of me may someday forget. It is for this reason that, despite my reservations at posting something so personal, I present this to you all. Like baptism, my wedding to V is a public declaration of commitment.
Everything here should be expected of me.
You have found
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of
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easter egg(s).
