The Office of Best Friend

Over the past few months, the phrase "so-and-so's best friend" has come my way, reminding me of times long past where it was such a big deal to be someone's best friend. There're different terms for it now - things like BF's or BFF's and such - but those are used in an informal, often joking or offhanded fashion. To be a "best friend" is to be set aside; a cut above. You know what I'm talkin' about b/c, when someone goes around calling everyone his best friend, you feel that the term is being used incorrectly.

I'm sure it has something to do with how I grew up in elementary school: the cliques and drama that best-friendship elicited from me and the kids I went to school with. Looking back, it all seems so petty. Inevitably, if you're not the best friend, you must ponder the question of why: why aren't you the best friend? And while I'm sure you've got a good head on your shoulders, playing w/ that question must be done w/ care. Taken too far, feelings of inferiority, bitterness, and frustration could manifest in ways you never wanted and that aren't needed. To flip things around, if you are the best friend, you know there's something about you that must set you apart. Makes you different. Better. It's probably not anything to put a "hitch in yer get-a-long", but you know it's there.

It is for this reason that I don't like being someone's best friend. Not that I don't appreciate and respect the reasons why someone might say "you're my best friend" or "you're his best friend" - I get it. But I feel a kind'f pressure when you say that, probably b/c I don't adhere to the best friend paradigm. So when you throw "best friend" at me, I don't know how to reciprocate. Or how much. Or if it's even necessary. Should I just keep doin' what I'm doin'?

Of course, these are silly questions. Friendships aren't supposed to be complicated like that. At least, not ideally. I'll give you that; I'm being a little paranoid.

But I don't like it.

I don't like the distinction it creates. The divide it puts between other friends, even if no one talks about it. Even barring all that, it makes me uncomfortable to select or be selected for best-friend presidency. I don't want that pressure. I don't want to screw it up, I'll admit. Losing that nice title and fancy "best friend" name tag: that hurts.

Choosing a best man for the wedding was difficult for me. Sure, I knew who it'd be. It wasn't the figuring-it-out that stood in my way, but the fact that I's setting someone apart from the rest. My decision wavered every now and then, weighing and measuring the merits of each guy I knew'd be in the wedding party. Who was the best of them all? I'm comfortable w/ my decision, but it was...an awkward experience to go through.

No. Best friends aren't for me. Good friends are. Close friends. You can have bunches of those, and they can come and go as time goes by in your life. You'll know the good ones b/c, when the time comes after you've drifted apart, the bonds you made w/ each other will be strong enough to renew a friendship after an arbitrary dry spell. I can share different things w/ close friends - w/ each one of them. They're each close to me for different reasons, and I can see and appreciate that.

Why must you choose? Who says you can't have a couple dear friends, all kept at the same distance but at different points around you?

My friendships have more "give" to them, I think. It's easier to cultivate these kinds of friends b/c I'm not being so selective: I can surround myself w/ a larger (though not huge) group of people who I know care about me. To put it in perspective: I could have a cozy dinner in my apartment w/ these people and it wouldn't get too stuffy. Each of them touches a different, equally-important-to-me aspect of my life; having all of them around me gives a very well-rounded feel to my social circle.

If you have read this and suddenly feel guilty for having glom'd me into some "best friend" category, don't. Really. This is not an indictment against your choices and where you've placed me in the hierarchy of your life. As I said earlier, I still respect and deeply appreciate being whatever friend you've decided I can be to you. This has been more about how I see my friends and an explanation, if you've ever wondered, of why I refrain from giving the office of best friend away.